Make it perfect.

Tonight, I sat in the silence after all the kids were in bed and inspected my home. It's decorated for Autumn and Halloween, my most favorite time of the year. I have scarecrows and pumpkins, earthy pinecones on the end table and kitchen table and tree branches in a vase on the piano. I wrapped each branch with wire that has little red berries attached. It's my most favorite thing in the living room. I have owls in colors of browns, rusty yellows, burnt orange, and tan placed here and there, a leaf garland wrapped around the stair railing, and a fabric fall banner hung across the large mirror above the couch. In a small frame I made a scrapbook paper spooky tree that says "Boo!" and next to it in a larger frame are the words "Come thou fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace." 

Since we moved into this house, my goal was to fill every space with color and art and words that portray what is most important to me. Almost every picture on the wall I used my hands and paint and heart to create. I want everything to have meaning. The Mary Engelbright pictures in the frames in my kitchen are a daily reminder of a sweet church leader who became my adopted "mom" during my teenage years. She was one of a small crew who pulled me through some very turbulent times. I always want to have reminders of her and all the good she embodies, in my home. It makes it better. I love having my children's art work on display as well. It's probably just a mom thing, but I swear every piece of art they create I find something beautiful in it. It is just so sweet and pure and full of innocence and imagination. It brings a good spirit into my home. 

As this house slowly starts to become mine, I grow to love it more and more. Every night as I lock doors and turn off lights, I can't help but linger for a few seconds and take everything in again. This house isn't spectacular. It has flaws and quirks. It isn't huge or fancy. It's old, the outside is outdated, there's still plenty of work to do and projects to complete. But I LOVE this house. It is warm and lived in, sunshine spills into the kitchen and living room, we can see the sunset every evening, and have a beautiful view of the big tree in the backyard that is currently covered in yellow leaves that are falling everywhere and covering everything. This house is my safe haven and sanctuary. 

As I sat in the silence I started thinking about things. About me. Who I am. Who I used to be ten years ago, 15 years ago, 20 years ago. Everything that has happened, everything that has come together up until that very moment. 

I used to have this weird quirk in junior high and high school. I counted things. I would tap each finger, back and forth, on the tip of my thumbs, counting until I came to the perfect number. I had rules made up that I had to follow like no stopping on odd numbers, and certain even numbers would be more preferable than others. I would count my steps, beads on the back of the Greyhound bus seats we rode to cross country or track meets, tiles on the floor, patterns on fabrics, books on shelves, lights, sometimes I would even count how many times I would chew my food. Always there were rules. I would change things up a bit every now and again and use words instead of numbers, even count rhythms from songs, count the ticking sound of car blinkers, and even the sound of the dryer. I'd say this weird obsession began when I was 12 years old. It developed during the climax of my parents drug addiction. I'm not a psychologist but I figure it was a coping mechanism I used to deal with the trauma. Counting was something I could control in a home that was very unstable. As I grew older, the counting became something I did often when I was stressed, anxious, nervous, or in a position that was out of my comfort zone or control. Very few people were aware that I did it. 

As I slowly learned to adjust and heal from the horribleness I experienced living with my parents as meth addicts, the counting obsession stopped. But I do suffer from perfectionism still. I lived in a drug house that was filthy and was always lacking in food, toilet paper, and all the basic necessities, including power and water, where every window was covered with sheets and blankets, with trash and junk piled everywhere inside and outside, weeds waist high, broken windows, holes in doors and walls, even gunshot holes in my parent's bedroom that resulted from a fight between them one day behind locked doors. We heard the screams and the gunshots and I was terrified that my dad had killed my mom. Somehow, the terror at home drove me to be an over-achiever in school and sports. I managed to be a straight A student, attended seminary, played in the school orchestra, was a member of art club, German club, and NHS as well as a successful athlete, doing cheerleading for two years, and cross country and track from 7th grade until 12th grade. I don't remember ever vocally telling my friends outright, "My parents are drug addicts." In junior high I did everything I could to keep it a secret. Even though we had no phone, I would pretend to use the payphone outside the gym after cheering at a game, so others would believe I was calling home to get a ride. In all reality, my worst nightmare was to have anyone give me a ride home and find out where I lived and discover my secret. So I waited until most everyone had left and cleared out, and then I would walk home in the dark. Only a few friends actually knew where I lived, and even with them was I very hesitant to share many details with about my home and parents and life. 

Whatever all the crazy complicated reasons were for my actions, I carry with me a very strong desire for perfectionism. These days it manifests in mild OCD issues. When my house gets cluttered or disorderly, if pillows aren't straight, bed covers are lumpy, toys disorganized, the floor not swept, counters not clean and such, it makes me feel out of control, I can't focus like I'd like to and it affects my ability to be productive. Not that my house is spotless, because it is usually mainly just mediocre, but I attribute my sometimes inability to "let the housework go" and enjoy the little moments to the post traumatic stress I suffered from some very horrible experiences. Of course I do believe that "cleanliness is next to Godliness" and that having a home that is in order is more conducive to the Spirit dwelling there more consistently. I believe that children are less over whelmed in more organized homes and play better and for longer with less toys. Having a home that is clean and tidy really does bring me great satisfaction and cleaning is actually very therapeutic for me, but I definitely can feel the inward struggle I have to maintain balance between my often unrealistic expectations and the reality of living with four children and a husband. 

But all of this history made me think about how so often we build on the outside what appears to be "perfect" when there is so much more to the story on the inside. For me, I work hard everyday, to make sure my family stays on top of all the housework. It's important. I'm motivated by many factors. But don't think for one minute that just because my house is always clean that it means I'm perfect and that I will judge you if your house looks differently. There's always going to be a part of me that maintains a clean home because I'm broken inside. We are all broken in some way, and it manifests itself in different ways. And tonight I was thinking how beautiful that concept really is. The broken parts of us. We shouldn't hide the brokenness. Let it come out and tell your story. I'm finding more and more that the broken me is so much better than the perfect me. 

Just don't be afraid to be real, and to to be authentic, and to let everyone see all the places where you have been put back together. 

WHAT just Happened???

Recently, we have been witnessing first-hand how BAD Kya's allergies really are! We discovered that she can break out in hives after sitting in the same place where someone ate tree nuts, in this case, cashews. One night, I ate a couple handfuls of cashews while sitting in my bed. The next morning, Kya sat on my side to watch a cartoon on my TV and she broke out in hives. And it's not like when I eat cashews, I get them all over. But there must have been enough of the oils that got on the blankets that it affected her.

We also learned that we cannot have tree nuts in our house at all! Only a few weeks ago, while we were at the store, we passed the nuts, and the cashews just looked SO good! I suggested to Russ that maybe we could buy some, since Kya is older and knows she cannot have them. He was wary, but I insisted, so we bought a can. We made sure to keep the can up high, and we only ate them after the kids were in bed.

BUT...

One day, Russ took a handful, put the can back on a shelf in our room below the TV, and one tiny piece fell onto my desk below. Just one. It wasn't even a whole cashew! And guess who found it? Kya. And she ate it, ironically, as I was standing right next to her and talking to her about her tree nut allergy.

The second she put it in her mouth, she started reacting. She then took it out, handed it to me, and asked "Mommy, is this a tree nut?" You can imagine how I reacted! Actually, I think I was pretty calm. The inside of her mouth started swelling, then the coughing started, the gagging, then the throwing up, and there were hives around the one corner of her mouth and down that side of her neck, and all over her tummy and back! During all of that, we administered Benadryl and got to use the epi-pen for the first time!

She was really brave, cried a lot, but handled it very well. Luckily, the epi-pen did its job, and she didn't have to take a trip to the ER!

We learned our lesson. We will not be buying any tree nuts again! Because this is Kya here....she will find them!

The next week, she had another allergic reaction. (this one is of the pictures posted) We are not sure what exactly she reacted to. The only logical thing I can think of is we had fresh lemons that night with salmon that I baked for dinner. Right before dinner, Kya took a bite of lemon, then complained a minute later that her mouth felt funny. At dinnertime, she wouldn't eat, and kept saying her tummy felt funny. So I put her in the bath instead. As I rinsed her head with water, she rubbed her eyes, and that's when she started reacting to the unknown allergen.

Minutes after she rubbed her eye, I noticed two little hives under her right eye. So I got her out of the bath immediately, and then she started coughing non-stop, and started gagging and telling me she was going to throw-up. Her eye just kept swelling bigger and bigger. We gave her Benadryl, which seemed to help the coughing a bit, but her poor eye just got worse!

Her eye stayed swollen all night long, and when she got up the next morning, both eyes were swollen. I took her to the Children's Clinic, and we got an oral steroid prescribed to help the swelling, though it took 48hrs before she was looking like herself again, and only had a "black eye" remaining.

I love this last picture! Even though she had been through a lot, she was still very happy and didn't act too bothered by it all. We realized we need to educate her more about her food allergies, as well as the rest of the kids, because a little tree nut to her is life-threatening.

She gets to visit our local immunologist in a few weeks and get tested for further food allergies, so I am anxious to find out the results. It could be lemons, or maybe it was something the lemons came in contact with, or maybe it was the fish, or something totally unrelated! Either way, we are learning quite a bit, and hoping we don't have to use another epi-pen for a long while!

Tender Mercies

* Russ has been encouraging me to blog more like I used to. It's a lot harder these days. Our days are full of everything they should be, from the mundane chores to the crazy hyper kids bouncing their faces off the furniture! So, it is easy to see how writing got lost down in the cushions. But in my earnest effort to bring it back, here is a post:

So...I am attempting to write something that has kinda remained a bit jumbled in my head. It is more than likely it will come out just as jumbled. But for posterity's sake, it's gonna be written none the less!

Okay, so, first off I think of myself as a pretty average, normal person. I am happy most days. I work hard for what I have and what I want and need. I know I have some weird quirks and I for sure make mistakes. Sorry guys. Yeah, raising my hand to the "Who is not perfect?" question. Clutter still drives me crazy. Also, crumbs on the kitchen floor. And I get so annoyed when I step on a wet spot with socks on! Nothing is ever as clean as I want it to be, and I always think I need to be doing so much more.

But there is this little shadowy thought that tries to work its way into my average, normal, mostly happy and imperfect life, and it sounds a lot like this:

"You are invisible."

Ok. So bear with me here. I am going to be a bit vulnerable and honest for a minute. I know, you are probably like, "What? You are SO not invisible!" I know! I really do. But that doesn't stop thoughts from trying to tell us so. Let me ramble: so, as a mom, I do a lot of things each day. I wake school-aged kids up, usually later than I should, for school, make sure they are fed, clothed, and off to school on-time....sometimes tardy....but mostly on-time except that one time I was really sick and I slept right through my alarm and they were an hour late! oops! Then I feed the two littles at home, clothe them, and monitor screen time while trying to endorse other healthy and creative activities. Sounds easy, right? Wrong! But I do it anyways, because I have always liked a good challenge. I think I clean a LOT. Pretty much I end up cleaning something, or cleaning UP something just about every hour of the day. But hey, I am a mom, it is just part of the deal. I am actually getting really good at cleaning, and fast too. Thank you offspring. I try to feed my kids healthier snacks and stay away from foods packed with preservatives, but don't judge me when you run into my cart at Wal-Mart and I have a package of Oreos or a box of Captain Crunch in it. Honestly, the Captain Crunch is more for Russ anyways. And we all know Oreos are one of my weaknesses. I have to pack into one afternoon with four kids lunch, naps, one on one time, snack time, reading time, chore charts, outside play, homework, and dinner prep. We also encounter the usual play dates with friends, babysitting, responsibilities with the PTO and church callings, as well as the unexpected that knocks at the door here and there too. And then there's laundry. It deserves its own sentence. Can't forget FHE. Visiting Teaching...that gets missed more than it gets done. Also, those random acts of service. And evenings packed with urging kids to eat "five more bites", surviving the bewitching hour that turns kids into little monsters, trying to remind monsters to brush teeth and get on pajamas and to stop playing around, and for crying out loud, stop putting the Hungry Hippo balls in the heater! Then we have drinks for dry little throats, and breathing treatments upside-down on the couch, that trip to the bathroom that was supposed to be done and finished a looooong time ago, scripture reading with most likely crying in the background, prayers that usually have an accompaniment of crying as well because it is too hard to take turns, then hugs, kisses, bonks, lights out and the final "Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite" finale.

Whew!

I promise I am NOT complaining. I actually get a weird amount of satisfaction from somewhat accomplishing a percentage of that ramble. I CHOSE this life. It is nothing and yet everything I expected it to be. Each day I have to choose what kind of mom I want to be. I can be distracted by Facebook and Pinterest or I can be distracted by my kids. I can be patient or impatient. I can make everything a battle or only the important things a battle. But at the end of the day, I made choices. And each choice does have an effect on the lives of my little ones.

But as a mom, sometimes I get lost in the ramble.

And that is where that sneaky little voice tries to creep in and say things like "You aren't important", "No one cares about you", "You are not good enough", "You need to do more", "No one appreciates or notices what you do" and that little bugger of a one that says "You are invisible."

The thing is, none of that is true. But there are times I feel pretty inclined to believe it all. Why? I don't know! But I have a feeling I am not the only woman who feels this way. And all of us need to STOP feeling invisible! Except for ghosts. You are. My apologies.

Anyways. One particular day, after weeks and weeks of me feeling like I was just giving, and giving, and working hard to be helpful and kind, patient, non-judgmental (working on that one still), optimistic and thankful, just giving and giving and giving....well, that shadow was making me believe that none of the favors were being returned. I am not nice because I want others to be nice back. I am nice, or at least give it a good try to be mostly nice, because I know it is the right thing to do. And one of the blessings is that usually good things come back to you. And good things have ALWAYS come back to me, tenfold! But this day I couldn't see it or feel it. I felt crummy and defeated. And as I went about my day CHOOSING to feel that way, I sent a little thought Heavenward that sounded a little like this: "Heavenly Father? Are you really there today? Can you really hear my prayer? Do I really matter?" And, me, knowing of course HE was hearing me, then put it out there, "Please, if you are aware of me, please just let me know today. I need to know."

And my day continued, full of the ramble.

This is where the "tender mercies" part comes in. For those of you who made it this far, congratulations. You are one of a kind! Anyway, that day a pretty special friend of mine, a friend who has lived far enough away that we have not even been able to see each other for years and years, but this friend, yeah...you know who you are, the one who I just want to put in my pocket and carry around forever because of sheer awesomeness....well, she sent me a text message that day. And her simple words were exactly what I needed to hear. An answer to my prayer. And in that moment I knew I was loved. Loved by my God and Savior, loved by my friend, and loved by my family. I surely am not invisible. And though some might take advantage of me, expect much but return little of the favor, not notice or appreciate all that I do, there are so many, many more who love and NEED me for who I am and for what I can give.

So, I am going to keep on giving, keep on keepin on. And as for that little creepy shadow, well, it might try to hang around, and I might still try to feel inclined to believe it, but I know that when I pray, He is there, and when I speak, He is listening. I am HIS child and His love surrounds me. And I have a text to prove it. And a lifetime to write about so many more experiences that prove it too.

If you feel invisible, if you are wondering if God is aware of you, I urge you to pray and ask Him. He will answer, I promise you that.

And I promise you are awesome!





Every Woman MUST Hear This! from untilweflyaway on GodTube.

Carter-buggins, we don't want to forget about him!

Some things I want to remember about Carter:

He is our sensitive child. He gets very upset if his sisters accuse him of saying or doing something he didn't say or do. When he gets hurt or is upset, he is the one who welcomes hugs the easiest. It is very common for him to get quite upset over little things. One day after school he got so busy playing and doing other things that he forgot about having an after school snack. By the time dinner was almost ready, he remembered, and then was quite distraught because I would not let him have a snack because we would be eating dinner in a matter of minutes! He likes for things to be in order, he likes routine, and so he almost refused to eat because he wanted his snack first, then dinner!

Looking back at these moments, it is quite comical, but not very comical....at all....dealing with them in real time. When Carter was younger, he was very OCD about things. For awhile, I actually thought he had Asperger's, but he is thriving and not nearly so bad. He was horribly sensitive to smells, still is but not as severe, did not handle change well at all, threw terrible, terrible tantrums from age 3-4, and would get upset over minor details like me cutting his sandwich the wrong way, preparing his cereal in the wrong order and putting the sugar on the rice crispies before pouring the milk, and could not function if I put a toy away in the improper place at bedtime, or he wouldn't go to sleep until his covers were all tucked in around his mattress.

Once Carter feels comfortable and accepts things the way he likes them to be, it is hard for him to do it differently. For our morning routine before school, he likes things to stay relatively the same. He wakes up, gets dressed, eats breakfast, brushes his teeth, then puts on his coat and backpack. If we really mix that order up, he doesn't handle it well. But as he gets older, it gets better. He is very sensitive to certain things, and as long as we are aware of those things, he is pretty easy to please and get along with.

Carter is naturally athletic and easily learns how to do anything physical. If someone shows him how to do a cartwheel, it only takes him a few tries before he has it down. He is very strong too, and can do almost 10 pull-ups, and one night he decided he was going to do 100 sit-ups so that's exactly what he did! He learned how to ride his bike before Anna, and pretty much shows her how to do things like climbing trees and tricks on the monkey bars and trampoline.

Carter caught on to swimming super fast as well. Last summer he passed his level with ease, while Anna barely did not pass. They were in the same class. She was pretty upset that Carter would be ahead of her. We told her that if she worked on the few things she did not pass from swim lessons during the summer and did them well, she could move up with Carter. He was so cute and would very nicely teach her when they practiced in their pool. This summer they will be taking the same level.

When Carter is sick, he is always so happy. He loves to laugh and has a great sense of humor. Sometimes he gets super giggly...like during scripture study, or family prayer...and has difficulty calming down, typical boy, right, so we have to work hard at times to be patient with him then!

Carter is just so sweet, kind, and very thoughtful. He writes notes to us and leaves them on our pillows, loves to play with anyone and it was so cute this past summer when he decided to invite all the neighborhood kids over for a swim party. He likes to make notes for his friends too, and deliver them to their homes, and really is willing to help with just about anything and has no problems sharing. (there are exceptions, but what kid doesn't have issues every now and again?)

Carter makes friends easily now, and he plays with boys just as easily as girls. He is doing awesome in school and picks up math concepts without even trying. (takes after his dad there) He picked up reading probably faster than Anna did, which is hard for us to imagine since Anna is now reading at a fifth grade level. For Carter's weekly homework, he has to practice reading a short story in one minute, and we mark how many words per minute he reads each time. His improvement from the beginning of the year until now has been great! At the end of April, the first graders should be reading 52 wpm, and Carter is up to 91. We are thrilled, just because we've really tried to put a lot of emphasis on reading, knowing it is so important and vital to their success in school!

Carter loves his sisters, and plays really quite well with Kya, probably because she doesn't mind being a super hero or power ranger! They do have their fights, more so recently than ever before, but they get along as much as a parent could expect. Carter adores Brennen too, and he is very kind, patient, and helpful with younger kids.

 

Carter really loves being outdoors in the spring and summer, hiking, rock climbing and riding his bike. He loves camping and cannot wait to be eight so he can start scouts and make a derby car. He always asks me questions about everything, why is this that color, why are these particular words on that sign, and he loves to watch YouTube videos about how things are made. I know that anything he puts his mind to learn and master, he will accomplish and we are so happy he is a part of our family.  I know he will grow up to be just as awesome as his dad and be a great person!

 

So I won't forget!

So much happens every day in my life with four kids. I am finding more and more that as my kids grow older and we become busier, it is certainly harder to remember all the things I want to, like all the funny things they say and do.

For instance:

Kya has a pretty extensive vocabulary. Every few weeks she learns a new word that she starts using in the cutest ways. This weeks word is: absolutely. I've heard her saying things like, "I absolutely, absolutely need to go potty!" "I absolutely like candy." and "It's absolutely cool!"

A few days ago I took her to the store with me. One thing she loves is when I run while pushing her in the cart back to the van. She usually screams "Faster! Faster! Faster!" I'm sure I get weird looks but we do it anyways. Well, after our most recent trip, instead of yelling "faster" she started yelling "Mush! Mush!" Honestly, the way she orders me around at times, I feel more like her dog than her mom!

A few other tidbits about Kya: she gets dressed by herself and adamantly refuses help, even when she is super frustrated because she can't quite do it herself. She prefers to wear just shirts and underwear, but half the time she puts her undies on wrong and comes walking out of her room with bum cheeks hanging out. I have convinced her to let me help her wipe her bum after she goes poo, but heaven forbid I flush the toilet!!!

Kya is our little allergy girl too. Not only do we know for certain she is allergic to cashews, but also walnuts because she ate a piece of English toffee last week, then touched her face, and started breaking out in hives and her eye got very red. A few weeks before that she must have done the same thing, because she came out of her room with a red swollen eye! She also has the same reaction if a dog licks her, but doesn't seem to have problems when she pets them.

Miss Kya also has a "reactive airway" which could mean asthma, but we aren't certain yet. What I do know for certain is for the past year, whenever she gets an upper respitory infection, she has asthma-type reactions. She gets very bad wheezing, shortness of breath, retractions when breathing, and lots of coughing. She has this awesome little inhaler that she uses now which has been SUPER helpful! Her last episode a few weeks ago was so bad that while we were in the van coming home from Rexburg, I heard her say, "I just can't breathe in the van!" She was breathing so quickly and each breath was so shallow that I think she felt like she could not breathe, and on top of that, she was continuously coughing, so it must have been pretty frustrating for her! We have a pretty incredible pediatrician, who talked to me about preventative maintenance when it comes to "asthma" and prescribed her with a steroid inhaler  that she uses once a day and will continue through March since this time of year is the worst time for upper respitory infections. Our hope is that as we do this "preventative maintenance" she won't get such bad episode after episode.

She is pretty awesome, and takes her treatments like a boss!

She has hair exactly like I did when I was little, white as can be, wispy, and not very much!!! Now that she is 3 years old I can finally get her hair into tiny pony or pig tails! She is also obsessed with scissors and cutting things, so she has tragically cut chunks of her already sparce hair right out of her head!

Kya LOVES birthdays, especially when it is FINALLY her birthday! It was really, really hard for her to watch Carter have one, then Anna, then Brennen, and then have to wait 2 more months before she could have hers!

This girl loves to dress up in hats and princess dresses. Often she will dance around and make up songs about being a princess or want me to make up a song and sing it for her. She also loves wearing swim suits...probably because she loves to play in the water. She is constantly filling up the sink with water and getting water everywhere. She fills up her tea cups and tea pots and just makes a big mess! If she is being particularly difficult, I will just put her in the bath with a bunch of toys and let her play to her hearts content...well, almost....and she usually comes out feeling much happier.

Kya also loves being wrapped up like a baby. I think she suffers from middle-child syndrome and has some jealousy issues with her baby brother, so she often will talk or act like a baby and ask to be wrapped up in her blanket and want to be held like a baby. Dealing with those certain issues is always a work in progress, but I think she is getting better. She LOVES attention and needs a lot of it, so it is hard for her to share the spotlight with Brennen, who also LOVES attention.

Ever since she was little, she loved being outside. Even when it is very cold, she won't care one bit, and has been our only child so far who is eager to go outside to play in the winter snow.

She loves anything sweet, strawberry or chocolate milk, frosting, and it is a struggle to get her to eat normal food quite often, unless it is spaghetti, meatloaf, or pizza.

She is very outgoing, not afraid to let you know exactly how she feels, very stubborn and determined, smart as a whip with an incredible memory, isn't afraid to try anything, loves playing with friends, and has been such a fun addition to our family!

Trying something new...

Ever since Anna was a toddler, I always wanted to be the kind of mom who had those really cool, organized, and genius kinds of "chore charts" for the kids. I've met many a moms over the years who have found a system, a schedule, routine....whatever you want to call it, and I leave feeling amazed and inspired to get one of my own for my kids! 

But, I kinda came upon a problem. My good intentions rarely evolved to much more than just intentions! And if I did actually end up trying something, I just never stuck with it long enough! So much for being cool, right?

I also discovered a few years ago, when Anna started kindergarten, that I was the kind of mom who pretty much liked to do it all, and hardly ever expected Anna, being a very capable 5 year old, to really clean her room on her own, brush her teeth, or get dressed by herself! I remember one crazy morning, as we were rushing to get her ready for school on time, she just sat around waiting for me to do everything for her, and it finally hit me that I wasn't doing any good for her by doing it all!

Over the past 3 1/2 years, I've been trying to teach my kids to be more independent and not let myself do the things for them that they can and SHOULD and need to do themselves. I also tend to be a bit OCD when it comes to the way I like certain tasks to be done. It is very difficult for me to let my kids do certain tasks themselves, and not want to "fix" what they did afterwards! But I know it is very rewarding for them to be able to clean their rooms, wash windows, vacuum, clean the bathroom, etc and have me say "Great job" and accept the conditions of the job they did! 

With that said, last year I came across a blog post about a chore chart a homeschooling mom came up with for her kids. Each task is worth points, and 3 points earns the child one 15 minute time "stick" (which is a Popsicle stick). At the end of each day, all the points are added up. At the end of the week, the kids get their electronic time sticks to use for the following week. In order for them to watch a show or movie, they have to use the time sticks they earned. 

I really liked the idea, so I did the same for my kids. There are a few chores, like laundry, vacuuming, and cleaning the bathroom that they do only once a week, and the rest they do everyday. On the back they even have spots for extra chores if they feel so inclined to earn more points. 

I still have to work hard at being consistent.....and cool (for example, we fell off the wagon completely during the holidays) but it has worked great for us and the kids stay motivated because they know that the less they do that week, the less tv time they get the following week! It's still a work in progress for us right now, it still feels new, and we will probably make a few changes here and there as we go along, but I really believe that families need to implement some sort of "routine" for their kids, to help them be actively involved in helping around the house, teaching them vital skills they need to know for when they become adults, as well as helping them become more goal-oriented. This particular chore chart we are doing is great too, because it teaches kids to save and spend wisely. 

Anyways, I wanted to share this because I know that other moms might be interested if you are like I was, searching for something for your kids that actually works, that everyone will stick with!

And believe me moms....it's a pretty awesome and.....genius kinda thing....when you realize how much help kids can be around the house....especially when you look back on the previous week and realize you only had to do half of what you normally did before you became that kind of mom! 

Time

Have you noticed that kids take up a lot of time? For instance, mealtimes. Preparing food for kids, making sure they eat an adequate amount, cleaning up the food that didn't make it into their little tummies, eating food yourself, and then the dishes....well, it's all quite time consuming. I don't really need to mention all the other things, like getting them all bathed, dressed, teeth brushed, and out the door....then it's another thing just getting them all buckled in the car....then we've got activities, sports, lessons, playtime....and have you ever noticed how long it can take to clean up after a good long day of playing? 

Blanket forts, Legos, blocks, play-doh, Barbies, cars and trucks, doll houses, dress-up, coloring, scissors and paper snowflakes, dinosaurs, tea parties...

Time. It all becomes about time. 

And maybe sometimes, we start wondering about our own time, you know, like when do we, as parents, get time for ourselves? Often we get very little, or we have to lock ourselves in the bathroom to get a bit of time to ourselves on one of "those days"....if you know what I mean! 

But the thing is, it's always been about time and it always will be about time. But instead of us focusing  on the amount of time we do or most often don't get for ourselves, we need to remember that:

Kids take up a lot of our time, because they truly NEED our time. They really, really do. 

So, as much as us parents DO need time for ourselves, because it's so vital in helping us be great parents, let us try to remember to not be bitter about how much we actually get....just take what we can with a full and grateful heart, and carry on. 

And on days when the older kids are in school, and the busy baby goes down for a nap, and all you have left is your toddler, who doesn't nap anymore, but very well could take one, and that would leave you with a possible BLISSFUL two hours of free time to do what you've been dying to do for weeks...well....on days like that, when there is fresh snow on the ground, and that little toddler is running around the house in a pajama shirt, underwear, and snowboots ready to head out the door and make a "sandcastle", you just get that moment of clarity....

My free time Is WITH HER. And all those other times, my free time was with my children, making lunch together, examining the floor for the missing Lego piece, brushing hair and fixing lopsided ponytails, playing monopoly with a one year old climbing on my lap, fussing and crying trying to get the cards and money, folding the twelve blankets from the "cave" or the "secret hideout"....

It's all time well spent. So don't be made when there isn't much time left....I'm going to try not to be mad either.

My three year old convinced me to build a sandcastle out of snow. That's better than anything I could've come up with had I made her take a nap. I hope that she remembers our sandcastle we built together, I hope she remembers all the times I got it right vs. those times when I forgot how much time my kids need, when I got impatient, or felt bitter, annoyed, or acted like a big fat grump! 

Time. How will you spend yours?

Yup....ah, that's where my heart is.....right there with that little person.....with all of my littles!

Who said kids need toys? All you need is a pantry....

Sometimes, kids are perfectly happy with the simplest of things.....well, not sometimes, usually always. 

This is what I found Brennen and Kya doing this morning...

Any items will do....the non-glass, durable kind...

Stack them up, very carefully....

But remember that the heavy items, like peanut butter, should not go on the very top, unless you get pure joy, satisfaction, and amazement with things crashing to the floor!

Then do it all over again....

And again....

And again!!!

Pure happiness, right?

Growing up

What happened??? I was looking at these pictures today and just thinking, "My babies are all grown up!!" It's bittersweet. I want them little and I want them big, I love that they depend so much on me and yet I LOVE it when they discover their own sense of independence. I love the baby jabber and yet I love it when they use words like "otherwise", "ridiculous", "lame" and "sperm whale". 

There is so much to love, hate, fear and be totally stoked for when it comes to babies. Same with when they get older. I LOVE cuddling a swaddled newborn. Love kissing chubby cheeks, baby wearing, the loud gas bubbles or burps that escape right during the most spiritual part of a lesson at church, miniature shoes, the smell of baby lotion, the smiles during sleep and the coos when awake. Babies are awesome! Having babies is awesome! I get so stoked when I go into labor! It is just so stinking exciting and I love it! 

...okay, so maybe I didn't love it so much when I was in labor with Kya, who was posterior....it was actually quite awful and I honestly didn't think I could get her out of me....and I am filled with nightmarish scenarios when I think about what it would've been like WITHOUT an epidural!

Back to babies being awesome....they rock! Seriously.

Engorgement. You don't rock. Sorry. And tar poop, same with you. Also, lack of sleep, RSV, circumsicions, and colic.....none of you are cool. At all. 

And then your babies get older. They feed themselves. Yes! And go pee and poo by themselves. Double yes! And they can make it to the toilet BEFORE the puke goes spewing out of their little cute mouths. 

Parenthood is amazing. It's amazing, and awful at times, chaotic, scary, and everything you expected and yet totally not what you signed up for! I love the conversations I have been able to have that only involve gurgling and wierd facial expressions with my newborns, the ones with my toddlers about everything imaginary where nothing makes sense AT ALL, the ones with kids in school where they tell you that you are always wrong, conversations about religion and being good examples at school, bullying, science, worms, reading, and everything else from A to Z. 

*sigh* 

Kids grow up. My kids are growing up. I love it and I hate it. We still have the teenage years to fear....uh....look forward to, haha, and then we have to let them make their own really important decisions that we would REALLY, REALLY like to make for them but can't. 

It's gonna be great.

And right now, I am just trying to take it all in, the good and bad, the awesome moments when I have just totally absolutely and completely loved being a mom and the times when I just wanted to get in the car and drive away and not come back for a few hours. Whatever day I might have tomorrow and regardless of what my kids do and say, I will forever LOVE my kids, my husband, and feel so grateful for the life I have been given.

....and if all else fails, well, just tickle your nose with a pencil. This tactic has been in the Meredith family for generations. It might not solve all your problems, but you'll feel better afterwards, as long as you don't sneeze while the pencil is still in your nostril. 

*if the pictures posted are still appearing cut off, well, it's super annoying, but if you want to see the whole picture just click on it. Someday I'll figure out a way to remedy the problem...

Snowflakes, booby traps, and a virus or two...

A few weeks ago Anna and her friend Halle decided to make snowflakes for the neighbors and included special notes to each person they hand delivered them to.

What I LOVE about what they did is #1. It was so sweet and kind. #2. Quite creative. #3. Shows me how awesome little children are because of their innocence and honesty....and these pictures will show you why.

Russ was so excited to get his special note from Halle, especially when he read the first part about how nice and funny she thought he was....

Just stroking the ego....and then...BAM! Reality.

It's not love. He's stuck in the friend zone. 

We just love all the laughs we got and still get over these girls and their blunt honesty. We also love the kinds of lessons they constantly teach us too, about being selfless, thinking of others before themselves, and they are always trying to find ways to help, please, or bring happiness to others. 

We are so lucky to be in the midst of children.

Speaking of being in the midst of awesome kids, let's talk about Kya. She is always doing funny things, but lately, oh boy, the funny is just getting better and better. One thing she has been doing is making booby traps to catch monsters, crocodiles, galloping ghosts, and yes, even an occasional aardvark. Yes, she really does pretend like there are aardvarks in her room....and she talks to them, bosses them around, and tries to catch them.

Last week I heard strange sounds coming from her room. As I entered, I found her sitting proudly on the floor and she exclaimed excitedly, "Look mom! I made a booby trap!" She found the tape, which I swear I've put somewhere she can't get to it and yet she always manages to find a way to get into all the things she's supposed to stay out of, and then she wrapped the tape from her bed to her little table, wrapped it many times around the table legs and then to her play kitchen, and then from there to her baby high chair, and back to her table.

The best part about the whole thing was a few minutes after she made trap, she tripped over it all, proving how excellent she really is at this new talent!

Hope she caught that pesky aardvark....they can be SO bothersome!

Over the past few months we've had lots of viruses around here too. If one gets it, they all get it, so from the first child thru the fourth, we end up taking care of sick kiddos for weeks on end! It's kinda a winter tradition in our family....we start to get super suspicious if kids are healthy for too long.

Carter had been on medicine for strep throat for a week when he came down with another virus we suspect was Fifths Disease, aka "slapped cheek" virus because of the bright red cheeks.

It's pretty harmless and we had no idea he was even sick again until his cheeks looked like they did. They are apparently not contagious after the rash occurs, but he went to school all week and then the rash appeared over the weekend. A good majority of his classmates can probably thank him for sharing his sick germs.

Not too long before this, poor Brennen was sick with a nasty cold virus. He had goopy, red eyes, major runny nose with green mucus, and cough. That all led to a double ear infection. After a week of being on amoxicillin and his ears were still not improving, he got a shot of a different kind of antibiotic. 24 hrs. later be started breaking out in little red bumps, which looked like chicken pox at first. By then end of the day, the little red bumps had spread all over his arms, legs, back, tummy, groin, and even a few on his face. They were no longer little, but turned into big splotches, and his joints started swelling in his wrists, fingers, ankles and feet. When I noticed he wasn't walking because of the swelling, I decided to take him to the ER. What the doctors figured out was he had a reaction to the antibiotic, not an allergic reaction, I guess there a different types, but anyways, we were glad it wasn't anything more serious!

Kya has also had her fun when it comes to viruses too. She has issues with shortness of breath and wheezing and we have a special little contraption that we put an inhaler device in that contains albuterol, as we release the albuterol, it goes into a chamber and then we put the end over her mouth and nose and she can take a few breaths to get the albuterol into her system. It's a lot faster than a nebulizer and it works great for her! We are to the point with her pediatrician of considering asthma, but we won't know for awhile and just have to keep track of her episodes, symptoms etc. 

We've also found that dogs cannot lick her. If they do, she has an allergic reaction. Twice now, she was licked by dogs on her face, and within minutes she broke out in hives on the side she was licked, her eye got red and puffy as well as her cheek! I haven't noticed any problems when she pets dogs. 

Fun times!

We joke constantly that our goal this winter is to have one sick child every weekend! For weeks now, Russ and I have not been able to attend church with our whole family, together! This week, we are finally breaking our good luck streak because I think all of us will actually make it in the morning! I have been dealing with some clogged milk ducts for the past few months and am pretty sure today I was fighting some side effects from mastitis, but by the time we got the kids in bed I was feeling much better, so a high five for better health over here!

That's my update for this week. We are happy despite it all, and so grateful we have each other. As each year goes by, I realize more and more that there is nothing more important than my husband and children. As long as we have each other, our faith, and work harder to perfect our own imperfections, I think we will just keep being happy!

Good deal? Ummm.....yeah!

Is it too late to be Thankful?

So, this year I didn't participate in the fun trend of posting what I am thankful for each day on Facebook but reading so many other friends and family members posts about what they are thankful for has been refreshing and helpful for me to keep an "Attitude of Gratitdude". I know I am 18 days late, but I'm gonna give a go anyhow and do a few posts of what I have been so thankful for this year, in hopes that my children will someday be able to look back, re-read, and remember the life stories of our family.

This year I overcame a huge obstacle. It started quite a few months ago as I was re-reading some old letters of mine I had saved from friends and family. I found old emails and cards from Russ before we got married, in which he was too embarrassed to let me read them to him outloud! Some were hilarious and all were awesome! I have emails and letters from dear friends, Missy Stubbs and her mom Jan Stubbs, and it brought me back to the teenage years when I struggled so much with my parents drug addiction and the cost we had to pay because of it. Those letters from them reminded me that there are still amazing devoted people out there who stuck with me as I weathered the storms of my life at that time. Then I found a letter from my mom. She sent it months after Russ and I were married, October 23rd, 2004, just over 9 years ago. She expressed regret for missing our wedding day and told me about her efforts of being more responsible and wanting to be a part of our life and our soon to be baby girl's life. It was 6 pages of words....words that should've healed at that time, but all they did was hurt. Words like that filled me with fear, and with the fear came the anger. It's hard to explain such a complicated thing, but I struggled for my next 8 years of marriage trying to work through the turmoil I felt when it came to my mom. 

This time around, as I read the letter again, I didn't feel anger anymore, but I felt compassion. Maybe it was all the life experiences I had been thorough since I had been married, the four amazing births I experienced as we brought each child into our family, it was probably years and years of conference talks and Relief Society lessons, testimony meetings, and Sunday school lessons that slowly helped my heart to heal and overcome the fear of forgiving. It was probably all those moments since marriage when Russ and I struggled, prayed, and were guided and directed by the Spirit to make the decisions we were faced with, the moments when we had to humble ourselves, moments when we were tried by fire, so much of what we experienced together as a couple and family I think helped us come closer to God and our Savior and taught us how to become better. All of the life experiences combined, I guess, came to my aid that day a few months ago, and with the help of a very loving and patient Savior, He helped me in that moment finally, truly, and completely forgive my mom. And as I realized what was happening, all I could feel was this overwhelming feeling of love for her, and it wasn't a kind of love that I personally felt for her, but a love I knew my Savior felt for her. 

The happiest day of my life, she spent alone and facing one of her darkest moments. I was surrounded by light and love and family and friends, and she had no where to go, no one to help her, and I felt complete and total compassion for her and everything she had been through. And finally, in that moment, I felt the peace I had been searching for, the peace that takes away the remainder of fear, anger, and hurt that I couldn't fully dispel on my own. 

I am thankful for peace in my heart. I am thankful I have been able to finally forgive, 19 years after I came to the realization that my parents were drug addicts and that my life was falling apart, 19 years of dealing with the demons of horrible experiences, trying to overcome and forget and repress and runaway from it all....and I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and devout Savior, who stood by me through the ups and downs and gently helped me along the way. We are nothing without them and there is not one thing man can do except through God and Christ's power, love, and grace.

Right now my mom is doing better than she ever has. She is trying to stay clean and sober, going to weekly rehab meetings, holding a steady job, paying back child support owed, paying off her fines, being a more responsible parent to my two youngest brothers, finally being honest with all of us about the past, and trying to be there for her kids and grandkids. It's scary business dealing with an addict. There is always that fear that the drugs will win, but for now, we are giving hope and faith and prayer our best shot and that it won't be the case in our family.

To end I want to quote President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in his address to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in April 2012 General Conference titled "The Merciful Obtain Mercy"

" In a world of accusations and unfriendliness, it is easy to gather and cast stones. But before we do so, let us remember the words of the One who is our Master and model. 'He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone.' 

...Let us put down our stones.

Let us be kind.

Let us forgive.

Let us talk peacefully with each other.

Let the love of God fill our hearts.

Let us do good unto all men.

The Savior promised, 'Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over...For with the same measure that (you use) it shall be measured to you again.' 

Shouldn't this promise be enough to always focus our efforts on acts of kindness, forgiveness, and charity instead of any negative behavior? Let us, as disciples of Jesus Christ, return good for evil. Let us not seek revenge or allow our wrath to overcome us." 

If we take heed to this counsel, I know each of us will find a greater peace, and I am so thankful for the peace I have been given.

John 14:27 " Peace I leave you, my peace I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Confessions of a now 30 year old momma!

Yup. I am 30. It's cool though. I feel great and even though I'm no super model, continue to fight blemishes, consider my nose to be too round for it to be attractive at all, I think I look pretty good for 30 too.....especially being 30 with four kids! Take that Cover Girl!

So, being 30 and all, and oh so wise now, I figured I'd let all you 20-somethings in on a few secrets:

1. Chocolate is still vital to your happiness. Don't wait until your 30's to experience the loveliness of dark-covered chocolate blueberries and pomegranates. Seriously, don't wait. Oh, and chocolate is BEST when consumed less often. Heresy? No. Don't let it become part of the everyday, monotonous, humdrum routine. Chocolate deserves better than that. 

2. Marriage. It still requires a lot of work. A lot of patience. A lot of communication. A lot of forgiveness. A lot of holding your tongue and "sorry's" for when you didn't. For many of us, our 30's bring about that 10 year wedding anniversary. 10 years goes by so fast and yet so slow! 10 years brings a kid or three....or four, surprise! Everyone has a surprise kid, right? And with kids, lots of kids, comes the sleep deprivation, stress, mess, and lack of romance. So yes, after age 30, women are still like a slow cooker and men are still like a microwave....it's just that at 30, the slow cooker seems to get slooooower, and that darn microwave is too fast! Date nights are still a must at 30. Go dancing. You will realize how much fun it is to act young again! Line dancing is a must too! You will probably look like a fool, but at least by 30 you will know you look like a fool compared to those 20 somethings who just look ridiculous but think they look really cool! At 30 your spouse will still be leaving the toilet seat up, squeezing the toothpaste the wrong way....or right way, still telling stories with incorrect facts or exaggerated facts that get more and more exaggerated every 5 years, still snoring, acting obnoxious, and will still be your best friend.

3. You still don't know jack! Ok, so maybe you mature a bit by 30, and know a little something, but it's best to just tuck the pride and ego away now and live life as not such a "know-it-all"! By 30 you realize that most people don't want your advice unless they ask you. Most people still care more about themselves, still think their kids are cuter, smarter, talented and the most awesome. Sorry, but it's kinda the truth. By 30 you still don't know how to rotate your food storage before it expires or how to cook dried beans. You still don't know what the heck you are doing when it comes to parenting, but having multiple kids just gives you the appearance that you do. Bonus! 

All joking aside, being 30 is awesome. I'm 30 and still married to the man I fell in love with raising 4 beautiful, amazing, talented, smart, creative, spunky, sassy, sweet, mischievous kiddos. ( Yes, I still view my kids in a brighter light than yours....re-read #3) My kids might drive me crazy, and my husband's snoring and mouth noises still drive me NUTS when I stay up late trying to blog and I fantasize about what would happen if I smacked him in the face with a pillow....

Hahahaha....

No....it wouldn't be good.....

And being the smart 30 year old that I am now, I have the better judgement to not try it out and instead end this blogging session with my final confession:

Life isn't rainbows and unicorns. People still have bad breath no matter how white their teeth are. Your grass has green spots and dead spots and weird poky longish spots that look like a different species of grass all together....just find the soft, spongy, lush green spots and plant your blanket there for the picnic, because the sun will still feel warm on your face, the clouds will remain white and fluffy, the breeze will still carry with it the fragrance of blossoms, and life will still be good. *gasp! 

Meh.....*shrug*......I think I got it mostly right......if not, hopefully some more pictures will make you forget about what I got wrong!

Did it work? Yup.....that's what I thought! Until next time, folks......

*sorry for the cut off pictures....trying to fix that.....I posted from my iPad so obviously I've still got to figure some things out.