With all the posts, words, quotes, opinions, thoughts, and experiences I have put "out there" through my blog, I have felt in myself a liberating freedom through the blessing of free expression and speech. I truly believe that the things we say, the actions we do, whether they be in secret or not, whether they be good or bad, has an effect on the world and humanity around us. We can choose, and have control over what we put "out there"...whether it is something negative or positive. And I believe that what we put "out there" will eventually come back to us, and will inevitably define who we truly are.
I have found that when I feel "bound" by something....a thought, feeling, something I heard, or read, an attitude, a habit, or even by the actions of another, I feel I have to make a decision about whether I want that to be a part of me and a part of my life...or not. I can choose to keep what I feel "bound" by or I can choose to throw it away. This past week, and especially today, I am choosing to throw away something that I have felt bound to for a long time.
Twenty-six years ago, my mother gave birth to me. I am grateful for the opportunity to have life on this earth. For 10 years, my mother raised me, and I have many fond memories from my childhood, but for the remainder she has been "gone" in a sense. When I was fourteen years old, I chose to leave behind me certain parts of my life, and one of them was my mother. She made a choice to put her addictions above the value of her children and she got in over her head. But whenever she was given the chance to get out, she chose to go back to her addictions. She didn't act like a mother anymore and I didn't feel like she was one anymore. As time has gone by, the drugs have truly found a sure grip on her life, and physically her brain has been altered enough now from so many years of use and abuse that I do not think she has the capability anymore to stop. I am not sure she has the capability to ever be a mother. I still had to move on with my life, and from then on, I started to learn what a mother truly was, and what truly defines a mother.
My grandmother, who I have always called "Nanny", is a wonderful mother. She sacrificed much to raise her children, and then to raise me. She gave me time and attention, praise and discipline, words of encouragement and warning, she instilled in me an importance of values and morals, right from wrong, filled me with love and showed me what enduring to the end should be like. She is a mother.
My young women's leaders Jan and Shirlene. They are wonderful mothers. Shirlene was only able to physically give birth to one daughter...but she has been a mother to countless other girls young and older, opening her arms and home to many children. She has, so many times, taken upon herself my own burdens, made them hers, so my load could be lighter. She knew when it was time to teach, and maybe more importantly, time to listen. She taught the truth of the Gospel and bore witness of its power. She has shown through her every action the example of the Savior through her compassion, empathy, gentleness, kindness, consideration, meekness, and love. She is a mother.
Jan. If there is a person who can make you smile, it is her, and laugh too! Jan has stood tall and faithful, even when others looked down upon her, and was always proud to say to people of great importance, "I am a home-maker." The lessons I have learned from her, even as a Beehive, I will always remember. She could move mountains with her ability to testify at home, in a classroom, in Sunday School, of the true power of womanhood and of what women in this world today can accomplish. Time and time again, she encouraged me to remain faithful, to never give up hope, and to make it to the temple, the House of the Lord, to gain my way back to a loving Heavenly Father. The day I went through the temple many mothers were there...even Jan...and what is so strongly impressed upon my soul today is that the example of one woman will vibrate into eternity. She is a mother.
My mother-in-law, DeAnne. If you know what good home-cookin is, well DeAnne will best you, I am sure of that! A sign above their dinner table reads, "Sit Long, Talk Much, Laugh Often," and that is the truth when you visit their home. She gave birth to eight children and has labored her whole life for them. She has sacrificed so many things to give her children what they needed. She never puts herself first and is always thinking of anothers needs before her own. If you don't like rice and you're eating it at her house, she'll make you a potato instead, and if you don't like that, then she'll cook up some chicken, and if there are too many "chewies" in it, then she'll say, "Too bad...better just eat a lot of dessert!" Her greatest joys are not in her own self-fulfillment, but are found in her children and grandchildren. Devoted should be her middle name and Wonderful should be her last name. Russ calls her almost everyday, and that says something to me about her...She is a mother.
Throughout my life I have come to know so many wonderful mothers! They are all in my family, so many friends old and new, and I learn from them everyday. I strive each day to be a little more soft and gentle like Erica, a better teacher like Jeigh, to find humor and joy in ALL the things my children do like Jesy, to be more of an anomaly like Julie, and Jenilyn...you girl have supported me through some tough moments and I am forever touched by your example of being a true friend, if only I could discipline my children like Suzie does, and communicate with them like Ashley, and what about Sydney, who sews all kinds of things for her daughter and home???, I want to be as happy as Cami...and sheesh...if I could even be a little like Cami I think I'd be "twinkled" anyway...and Jenny...just so grateful to have a beautiful daughter and never takes for granted the blessing of bringing a child into this world...there are so many of you who are such examples to me and what a blessing it is to be so unique and yet be such a strength to each other! If only we could see each other for the strengths that we all have and see in our own selves the good that we can contribute, how united and happy we, as mothers, could be!
I may not have a "mother" there for me like a mother should be, and the reality is that I probably never will have my mom be my mother, but the blessing in disguise is that True Mothers don't necessarily have to be our biological mothers, they are found everywhere, and I am so thankful to have so many in my life. "Mother" just isn't a title that always gives us certain rights and privileges...."mother" is who we are, what we do, how we treat people...it is BEING something more....DOING....progressing towards something better....living outside ourselves.....it is sacrifice, hard work, laboring side by side with your children, making their joys your own, their sorrows your own, giving and giving and only receiving if it is chocolate or a chocolaty kiss from a gooey toddler!
"Sacrifice is and always has been the essence of motherhood"
It is tragic that my mom made a decision so many years ago and now her life has been stripped of what matters most...Family. Our actions have consequences....that can last for a lifetime...and even for eternity. If there is one thing I can put "out there" then it would be this: There is no trial too difficult that we cannot overcome, and if we put our faith and trust in the Lord, He will lead us through the refiners fire. Honestly, I have struggled more lately than I ever imagined I would...and yet I cannot deny that the Lord's hand has been in my life and the blessings we have received one day will be priceless. I have found strength through the blessing and power from the temple, through the prayers of family and friends and from all of their overwhelming support and encouragement. Life isn't about "me" and "my" happiness....but it is stripping yourself of pride and admitting that this is the Lord's work and glory and we would be nothing without Him. And then comes Happiness in its true form....and it is the journey each of us must take....to discover what brings true happiness.
I think I will be taking my journey for a long time...how about you?
Hey...let's do it together, okay?
Thank You.
Good and Wise Parents
1 year ago
