This year I overcame a huge obstacle. It started quite a few months ago as I was re-reading some old letters of mine I had saved from friends and family. I found old emails and cards from Russ before we got married, in which he was too embarrassed to let me read them to him outloud! Some were hilarious and all were awesome! I have emails and letters from dear friends, Missy Stubbs and her mom Jan Stubbs, and it brought me back to the teenage years when I struggled so much with my parents drug addiction and the cost we had to pay because of it. Those letters from them reminded me that there are still amazing devoted people out there who stuck with me as I weathered the storms of my life at that time. Then I found a letter from my mom. She sent it months after Russ and I were married, October 23rd, 2004, just over 9 years ago. She expressed regret for missing our wedding day and told me about her efforts of being more responsible and wanting to be a part of our life and our soon to be baby girl's life. It was 6 pages of words....words that should've healed at that time, but all they did was hurt. Words like that filled me with fear, and with the fear came the anger. It's hard to explain such a complicated thing, but I struggled for my next 8 years of marriage trying to work through the turmoil I felt when it came to my mom.
This time around, as I read the letter again, I didn't feel anger anymore, but I felt compassion. Maybe it was all the life experiences I had been thorough since I had been married, the four amazing births I experienced as we brought each child into our family, it was probably years and years of conference talks and Relief Society lessons, testimony meetings, and Sunday school lessons that slowly helped my heart to heal and overcome the fear of forgiving. It was probably all those moments since marriage when Russ and I struggled, prayed, and were guided and directed by the Spirit to make the decisions we were faced with, the moments when we had to humble ourselves, moments when we were tried by fire, so much of what we experienced together as a couple and family I think helped us come closer to God and our Savior and taught us how to become better. All of the life experiences combined, I guess, came to my aid that day a few months ago, and with the help of a very loving and patient Savior, He helped me in that moment finally, truly, and completely forgive my mom. And as I realized what was happening, all I could feel was this overwhelming feeling of love for her, and it wasn't a kind of love that I personally felt for her, but a love I knew my Savior felt for her.
The happiest day of my life, she spent alone and facing one of her darkest moments. I was surrounded by light and love and family and friends, and she had no where to go, no one to help her, and I felt complete and total compassion for her and everything she had been through. And finally, in that moment, I felt the peace I had been searching for, the peace that takes away the remainder of fear, anger, and hurt that I couldn't fully dispel on my own.
I am thankful for peace in my heart. I am thankful I have been able to finally forgive, 19 years after I came to the realization that my parents were drug addicts and that my life was falling apart, 19 years of dealing with the demons of horrible experiences, trying to overcome and forget and repress and runaway from it all....and I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father and devout Savior, who stood by me through the ups and downs and gently helped me along the way. We are nothing without them and there is not one thing man can do except through God and Christ's power, love, and grace.
Right now my mom is doing better than she ever has. She is trying to stay clean and sober, going to weekly rehab meetings, holding a steady job, paying back child support owed, paying off her fines, being a more responsible parent to my two youngest brothers, finally being honest with all of us about the past, and trying to be there for her kids and grandkids. It's scary business dealing with an addict. There is always that fear that the drugs will win, but for now, we are giving hope and faith and prayer our best shot and that it won't be the case in our family.
To end I want to quote President Dieter F. Uchtdorf in his address to members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in April 2012 General Conference titled "The Merciful Obtain Mercy"
" In a world of accusations and unfriendliness, it is easy to gather and cast stones. But before we do so, let us remember the words of the One who is our Master and model. 'He that is without sin among you, let him cast a stone.'
...Let us put down our stones.
Let us be kind.
Let us forgive.
Let us talk peacefully with each other.
Let the love of God fill our hearts.
Let us do good unto all men.
The Savior promised, 'Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over...For with the same measure that (you use) it shall be measured to you again.'
Shouldn't this promise be enough to always focus our efforts on acts of kindness, forgiveness, and charity instead of any negative behavior? Let us, as disciples of Jesus Christ, return good for evil. Let us not seek revenge or allow our wrath to overcome us."
If we take heed to this counsel, I know each of us will find a greater peace, and I am so thankful for the peace I have been given.
John 14:27 " Peace I leave you, my peace I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing. I've been through a similar experience with my dad and it is wonderful to finally reach a place where peace and forgiveness prevail. I've recently dealt with new and heartbreaking trials since then that have tried that forgiveness and I keep trying to hold on tight to it - not letting bitterness/anger and pain creep back into my heart. But I find comfort in your story of healing as well as in the words of our prophet in his recent General Conference talk:
“The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure… Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.”
This should be our purpose—to persevere and endure, yes, but also to become more spiritually refined as we make our way through sunshine and sorrow. Were it not for challenges to overcome and problems to solve, we would remain much as we are, with little or no progress toward our goal of eternal life. The poet expressed much the same thought in these words:
Good timber does not grow with ease,
The stronger wind, the stronger trees.
The further sky, the greater length.
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.
-President Thomas S. Monson
I imagine your trials have been so difficult to bear but I know more firmly than I ever have in my life, that we can become so much more through our endurance of them, than we could have ever been without them. I've always appreciated your testimony and attitude - thank you for your example!
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