My sister-in-law Jenny sent me a "message" on Facebook. It is a video from YouTube, and they got it from "mormon messages", www.mormon.org. "What are YOU thankful for?" I loved it so much, I watched it two times in a row, hands under my chin and smiling the whole way through! I think that wasn't enough and feel like I need to watch it again! As I was watching the video, my mind started turning....and, oh yes, I could feel the beginnings of a post coming to surface! You know you are a true blogger when you have experiences like this! So, here I go...
I LOVE to be inspired. I do. I adore inspirational movies, quotes, thoughts, commercials, programs, music, and people. I live from day to day seeking some form of inspiration. I NEED it...I THRIVE on it. Yup.
This coming Thursday, all of us will be celebrating Thanksgiving. For the last few weeks, fellow bloggers have posted many messages of what they are grateful or thankful for. I have been holding out...because I still have not managed posting Halloween pictures yet. And then our family put up the Christmas tree and the nativity set. I also cooked some 40 of the most DELICIOUS oatmeal cookies...in which I ate the majority....very true. I have sent many lengthy messages on Facebook back and forth with my cousin Hannah too, which in the process, I have come closer to her and she has lifted me up. I spend too many minutes wishing I had my own sewing machine so I can make fun and adorable things for my house and kids. I stay up too late, and sleep in longer than is really necessary. And I have found an addiction to needing music, just certain songs, and I like to listen to them over and over. Yeah...hello...www.playlist.com! I finally got pre-school going with Anna, and I enjoy every minute of reading to Carter...mostly because I wondered if he would EVER be interested in books! Oh, he is!
I was thinking today...How often do I think about where another person has come from? Will we ever really understand or fully appreciate the people around us and what their life means to them, and to the rest of us? I went visiting teahing last week. One beautifully pregnant woman I visit told us she is a recent convert to the church. Hmm, what does that mean to her, and what could that mean to me? I found out my companion has seen a counselor since she was a young adult. She told me she would never be the person she was if it wasn't for her counselors. She is so valiant and has a firm faith in Christ. With one sister we visited, as she shared her simple thoughts with us, my heart burned with the witness of the Holy Ghost. Will she ever know what those simple words meant to me? There is so much that makes up a person and who that person is and who that person will continue to become. But, upon our first meeting, all we see is the color of their eyes, how their hair is done, what clothes they are wearing, if they have kids, a dog, or whether they put up the Christmas tree before or after Thanksgiving.
The wonder of humanity is that...a person...sharing small peices of their lives...with another...bridges the gap we feel in this world at times of sorrow, sadness, feeling alone, guilt, self doubt, fear, hardship....and something amazing happens....we connect with one another, sometimes for but a moment...and we catch a glimpse of something deeper inside that person's heart and soul....and what they share might erase our own fear for something, uplift our hearts, make us smile, enlighten our mind, or give us a sense of comfort or assurance. We leave feeling....yes, INSPIRED. And somehow...life doesn't seem so bad...and many times life feels indeed, like a blessing you wouldn't trade for anything.
Can I share some "pieces" of my life with you?
Two weeks ago, I was feeling very alone. All of the hurt and anger, fears, anxieties, and shadows I have been running away from because of my childhood...well....it all came crashing back down on me. My little brother, Ben, has been with us for almost eight months now. He is a daily reminder to me that I actually DO have a mother. A mother who missed my engagement and blissful wedding with Russ, the birth of my beautiful children, my first day of college, high school track meets, the day I placed in the 800 meter in the Idaho State track meet, she missed seminary graduation, the works of art I created, there have been no phone calls where I need advice and she gives it to me freely, no moments of laughter, or smiles...
Just emptiness. And I filled that emptiness with all that I could. I lived each day and moment of my life knowing that I would never become what my own mother became to me...just a memory filled with pain.
With every dissappointment she threw at me, I turned around and filled it with something good. I moved on...and she just became the woman who gave birth to me...that's all.
Well...the past eight months, my mom's presence has been an unwelcome guest in my mind and in my life. She brings with her too much hurt and anger and questions of "Why?" And I finally decided that I could no longer "run" from her anymore. I had to face her, finally, or else I could never be able to fully embrace life and move on. And so as I was feeling very alone recently, I reached out to my family members, and asked, or more pleaded with them, to offer up their prayers in behalf of our family and the hardships we are currently facing with our guardianship of Ben.
I am not alone. So silly that I could ever feel that way. I feel I have experienced a common miracle in the responses we received. I sit here, and am AMAZED at the outpouring of strength, love, support, peace, guidance, understanding, and inspiration we have been given because loving members of our family were willing to pray for us. Never in my life, have I felt a love that has consummed my being to such a level, that I felt as if I could almost feel the unseen angels filling me up with pieces from Heaven.
What am I thankful for?
I am thankful that I am not alone. This world moves so fast that we, at times, forget to stand still, and listen to the wind blowing through the trees, the patter of the rain on our rooftops, the crunch of our shoes over the new-fallen snow, or hear the pure joy found in a child's laughter or appreciate the twinkle found in a smile. Each breath we take, that fills our lungs...the breath of life that keeps us ALIVE...could never be without the loving hands of a Father in Heaven who created all things on Earth. The wind and the rain and the glitter of snow outside my window helps remind me the He is there and that LIFE was created in this world because of LOVE. And when I can push the rest of the world away and all of its frivolous man-made counterfits for happiness, joy, peace, security.....when I push that all away and close my eyes to the secular world, then I can hope to FEEL the true glory of life...
I am a Daughter of God, spiritually begotten of the Father, who has a purpose for why I am here, and it is to stand and speak forth the knowlegde which I have gained through every life experience whether good, bad, horrible, heart-ripping, exhilarating, crushing, hurtful, fulfilling.... awe-inspiring.
And I can be Thankful, and even Grateful...for a childhood filled with horrors, for a mother who I barely know now, for the emotional trauma I experienced from watching loving parents turn to mindless, heartless monsters bound by drug addiction, and I can take every pain from my past, present, and future....and replace it with something better....and the only way I can do that is to return back to where it all began.
"I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me, confused at the grace that so fully He proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me He was crucified, that for me, a sinner, He suffered, He bled and died.
I marvel that He would descend from His throne divine, to rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.
That He should extend His great love unto such as I, sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.
I think of His hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt! Such mercy, such love, and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat, until at the glorified throne I kneel at His feet.
Oh, it is wonderful that He should care for me enough to die for me! Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!"
What makes up the "pieces" of us? Why are they there and who does it come from? Why is it so fulfilling and saving when hearts meet with hearts and both are edified to the point where life feels so precious and priceless? How can I be moved to tears when I hear my sister say on the phone, "I am so sorry for the burdens you have to bear. I wish there was something I could do to help!" Maybe I know....do you think that maybe, just maybe...it has to do with our Savior? When we feel the wind sifting through our lives, as we feel the sun warming our faces, in the still of the night when only the soft little breaths can be heard from a sleeping child...the world becomes still enough that the whispers of the Spirit testify to us of a greater purpose and plan, and despite our weariness, there is abundant strength gained from the Atonement of our older brother, Jesus Christ, who died because He loves us.
His LOVE is sufficient...
and I remain, humbly....ever thankful....
What are you Thankful for? Click here!
